Gloomy Days

I've been gloomy for the past days. Partly because I'm still uncertain about my job prospects, partly because I'm not getting anywhere with my novel, and partly because of the chat I had with LB a few days ago wherein he showed me the friendster profile of the girl a friend is setting up with him. All of these do not exactly help with my insecurity level at the moment.

Job Prospects. A part of me is thinking that it shouldn't be that hard to find a job, even in Beijing. I could compete with the best of them. I know I'm good enough. Still a part of me gets frustrated at the thought that I should even worry about this just because I don't look the part that I'm supposed to be playing here.

My Novel. One of the primary reasons for coming to China is to write. I feel terrible that I'm not even halfway, quarterway, through. Ten months and I only have scribbles to show for it. There are times when I worry that I've run out of angst and run out of passion. Maybe I've used up all of my soul's stories. I comfort myself that even great writers had had their own bouts of insecurity and periods of drought. My best works were always written after a long time of not writing, but of living. I'm hoping it'll also be the case this time.

LB. I know it will happen sooner of later. He'd meet someone, find her interesting, want to get to know her more, maybe look at her the same way he used to look at me, fall in love. It hasn't happened yet but it will. As my computer was opening the page of the friendster profile of this girl he was telling me about, I was hoping she'd be the usual pretty and hollow-brained sort that populate the world. She wasn't. She was pretty alright. And so much more, it seemed. Then I'd think of dozens of reasons why I'm not good enough, most of which were probably made up so I could torture myself more. Maybe I should just be happy that he has good taste in women.

Maybe it's just PMS. A more cheerful entry next time.

A Moment of Insanity

I miss holding hands while walking on the street.

I miss being held.

I miss waking up in the morning knowing someone would be thinking about me when he wakes up.

I miss resting my head on a readily available chest when I feel tired or sleepy.

I miss knowing someone would be interested in knowing every single thing that I did during the day.

I miss having someone who'd care if I stayed up all night or drank too much.

I miss staring deep into someone's eyes and have that warm tingly feeling inside.

I miss being special to someone.

I miss not caring if I look like hell or I say something stupid because it wouldn't matter.

I miss being loved.

The Plan

The Talk. I had "the talk" with the headmaster about whether or not I will sign another contract. Of course I said no. My contract should end in August but since I have no intention of signing another one, my headmaster deemed it proper not to renew my Foreign Expert Certificate which will expire on June 29. Thus, I will only be working for Waiyan until the aforementioned date. He is in the process of renewing my visa (for six months) though but until I have it back in my possession, I am forever worrying about it.

He asked me for "the plan" after my contract with him. The pseudo-plan is: 1. travel around China. 2. go back home. He said he would pay for my airfare to go back home but not if I will still work in China. He then offered to recommend me to other schools. No, thank you. 

The Real Plan. 1. go travelling around China. 2. relocate to Beijing (first choice) or Shenyang and find a job there. If I found one, stay in China for a few more months. Else, go back home.

I've been looking for jobs over the internet and so far, my ad has been getting quite a number of hits. Now if only I could sustain their interest enough for an interview then maybe a demo. I'm not limiting myself to teaching posts this time although a 9 to 6 work schedule does not sound very inviting. We'll see, we'll see.

I think I no longer want to teach full-time in just one school. I would rather give private lessons, which pay more by the hour and not to mention less hassle in terms of dealing with crazy headmasters. The problem with this is the pay will not be stable. Another thing that I'm worried about is the cost of living in Beijing. If I don't have a "mother school," I will have to pay for all my expenses, which will definitely be bothersome not to mention very expensive compared to my expenses here in TieLing.

I am now confused, worried, excited, nervous, expectant and um... sleepy. Maybe I'll have more things figured out when I wake up.

*I've been going through That's Bejing's website (http://thatsbj.com) and what gets me even more excited are the plays! I miss watching plays! I hope I'll earn enough so I can afford to watch plays all the time.

Another One on the Boys

Only because my pastlife twin asked for it, here is an update on the Andies, and then some...

I realized that I haven't dated anyone older than me since coming to China. The reason being people my age are all married. The oldest I'd dated is a month younger than me, and he was rumored to be married. As for the others, they're two or three years younger. Such is China. Thank god I look young for my age. People are always shocked to find out that I'm 26 (they swear I don't look a day older than 20, bless their hearts). We're talking about Philippine age. I'm actually a couple of years older in China so unless people specifically ask what year I was born (the year of the sheep), I just say 26.

As for the dating scene, I will have to report that I haven't been going out much. Andy1 came over last weekend because I promised I'd help him with his English after my HSK. No I didn't have the heart to cancel on him even after the "my teacher's friend" incident. I think I might have just overreacted. He calls a few times a week to say hi and tell me new English sentences he learned. It's cute. It almost feels like I have a son or something.

Andy2 would send me messages asking about my day/my HSK/my Chinese lessons, etc. One time he called and ran out of things to say. Oh well. Andy2 has a lot of fans among my friends but I don't know, there's just nothing--no kilig factor.

And then I have someone to add to my "Cute Chinese Guys List." I'm not sure whether to include Andy1 to the list but I'm feeling generous so okay, he'll be Cute Chinese Guy # 5 so this guy will be Cute Chinese Guy # 6. His name is Edward. The first few times I met him, he was Peter. Last night over dinner he informed us that he changed his name. Such is China. Peter, or er... Edward, is Frank's friend. Frank is a friend from way back when I first came to TieLing. Anyway, let's talk about Edward, shall we? He's cute.

I've probably been to dinner with him (with a group of friends) four times including last night. He likes to stare. I would always ignore him because... I don't know, maybe I've already gotten used to getting stared at and just find it mildly amusing at this point. Plus he's cute so I guess that makes it ok.

After all the staring, he finally talked to me last night. Maybe after observing me over several dinners he had decided that I don't growl nor bite or maybe because he was sitting next to me last night so he thought it would be polite to say something. I was pleasantly surprised that he could speak English. He showed me his phone to let me check if he got my number right. I didn't even know he had my number. It was right but my name was spelled with a "y". While I was telling him how to spell my name, Frank teasingly said that Edward got my number from his phone. I figured as much. Edward punched him playfully. He then called to let me know his number.

After dinner, we (except for Frank who wanted to go home because he had an early class the next day. As if I didn't. Hmp.) went to TianXing Hotel, a disco. Over dinner, I already mentioned that I never dance, I can't dance and I don't like to dance. That didn't stop him from asking me several times to dance while we were in TianXing. Of course I refused. I hope guys don't take it personally when I refuse to dance with them. It's just something that I don't do, like maybe not eating shrimp because one's allergic to it.

When it was time to go home, Edward said he'd "song ni hui jia" (send/accompany me home). I said it was mei shi (no problem), I'd just go home by myself. So I got home and thought of sending him a message. Two no's in a row did not seem very encouraging. But then I thought, he wouldn't give up that easily if he was really interested. So I went to bed and did not think anything about it again until now. For the record, he hasn't called nor sent a message.

Oh, and yes, of course he's younger. What do you expect?

Why I've Finally, Finally Given Up

If you've been reading my blog, you know that the favored one is Andy1. If you've been reading my blog, you would also know what I think of him. If you're reading this blog, you will know why I've finally given up on him.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HIM!!!

And I am not just talking about the language. I can deal with the language barrier. Of course that alone is a problem, and him being male makes him naturally hard to understand. But It's something even beyond those. I am of course, also at fault. Despite all my progress with the language, the culture will have to take a longer time to fully comprehend. And I think I'm socially inept at Chinese dating. All of these put together, plus maybe his own indecisiveness, naivete and whatnot, made me decide to just throw in the towel. No use agonizing over something that isn't even anything in the first place.

This is what happened, or the last straw, if you must. Yesterday, he went with me to Computer City to look at some laptops. I'd been wanting to buy one and the other night, I finally convinced myself that I needed one. I told him about this and he graciously offered to accompany me while I also graciously accepted.

We were going around, having a 看看 (look look) when a shop owner recognized me as the 外教 (foreign teacher). She led us to where some of the shops were selling laptops all the while keeping a steady flow of conversation with Andy.

While I was reading (trying to read) a leaflet, I heard him tell the woman that I was his "teacher's friend." I froze for a split-second, in the middle of how much memory the laptop had and how heavy it was. His teacher's friend?! What, I'm not even his friend, I'm just his teacher's friend?! What the...? Well in that case I shouldn't even be keeping those stupid dried up flowers because it's totally senseless to keep stupid dried up moldy stemmed flowers from a friend's student, right?

I could be overreacting but it still echoes in my ears. His teacher's friend! I suddenly feel like this annoying helpless person that he's obligated to help because I'm "his teacher's friend." Well, forget it. Thank you so much for your time but I think I can manage on my own.

During our second date, he said he'd go with me to Shenyang when I take my HSK. I said I already asked my friend to go with me although it might have come out like, I'm going to ask a friend to come with me. He asked, "我不是朋友吗? (I'm not a friend?)" I said, "是吖. (Yes, you are)". I didn't know I should also have asked if I were his friend because apparently, I'm just his teacher's friend.

Thus, I am never going to call nor send him messages. We're supposed to meet on the weekend. I'll save him the trouble by thinking of an appropriate excuse. After all, shouldn't he be hanging out with his own friends?

And I feel stupid.

International Horticultural Exposition 2006

Yesterday, our school had a field trip to Shenyang for the International Horticultural Exposition. I brought Andy along, not without much controversy. I'm not in the mood to talk about it so I won't. (The last three are from Wendy's camera).

Nuna, the cows are for you.

Yay! Food!

My students wanted to come over and teach me Chinese. They ended up cooking dinner for me. Yummy! I so love it when people come over to cook for me. And they even insisted on cleaning up! Such wonderful guests.