Random Thoughts

I just finished writing a long entry but something went wrong with the stupid computer and everything disappeared. Grrrrrrr! I hate it when that happens. I feel like strangling the computer except I know it won't do any good. Aaaaaargh!

I have not been writing. I've been too busy and tired for the past week. And I must admit I've also been very lazy. Putting it off for a long time makes it even harder to write again. I just don't know where to begin now.

I've been reading Karina's journal and I got inspired by her posts enough to make me want to write at two o'clock in the morning. That girl (ok, woman. You have to forgive me but sometimes I still think of you as the freshperson you were in my LITERA1 class years ago) has grown up to be a smart, articulate and philosophical intellectual. I feel underservedly proud to read her entries and realize that here is a woman who thinks and feels and knows how to live her life. I humor myself into thinking that I have somehow, even just a tiny little bit, been responsible for some of her thoughts about life. I'm sure she'd still be the same great person that she turns out to be even if she never met me but it just warms my heart to know that she was once my student. It's a teacher's conceit. Once again, I apologize.

I have been feeling down lately. It might be because I've been really tired. All the late nights must be catching up on me. One night, I psyched myself up about calling my sister back home only to get really disappointed because the call just won't get through. My friends and I have tried every way possible just to make that one phone call, to no avail. It felt even worse because it should not have been that big a deal. I felt bad making my friends worry about me for nothing.

Speaking of disappointments, one of the biggest disappointments of China is the mooncake. We recently celebrated the Mid-Autumn Day Festival and there were mooncakes everywhere. I've eaten quite a lot of different kinds but I must say that absolutely nothing compares to Ongpin's mooncakes. Absolutely nothing. Some are okay. But a lot of others are what-the-hell-you-call-this-a-mooncake-it's-just-hopia-back-home. And to think I should be in mooncake heaven by now. We must be importing those mooncakes from Taiwan and Hong Kong, then. That's the only explanation I can come up with.

This will read like a chain reaction kind of entry but speaking of Taiwan, I met a man who was actually born and raised in Taiwan. I've been out to dinner with him and some friends a couple of times. The first time, I got so messed up I puked so many times I couldn't even keep count. The second time was tonight and I must congratulate myself because I can still type as fast as I normally would. This man is the only person I've met here so far whom I can actually speak Hokkien with and it's just wonderful. My Hokkien is definitely below average. I've forgotten most of it since I haven't been using it that much but I've always referred to it as "the language of my lost past." There's just something about it that takes me straight to my childhood. It rattles something deep within.

In my class today, I was asked the by now familiar question of whether or not I like China. Of course the standard reply is yes, I love it. Which is true. But what surprised me was my saying that I consider China as my second country, my second home. I've been feeling this way even before coming here but that was the first time that I actually put it into words and released it to the universe. I adore my Angkong and I wanted to come here to see his people and his country. Of course China is way different than it was during his time. Still, there's something about knowing that the blood that runs through my veins is as much Chinese as the next person's sitting beside me on the bus. I may be Filipino in all the other aspects like the way I think, act and speak, and I love it, but there's always that part of me that still is Chinese and there's no way of denying that.

I love the Philippines and it will always be home, no matter how many times I complain about everything that's humanly possible to complain about. I love it so much I wept while I was watching Dr. Lumbera's "Hibik at Himagsik nina Viktoria Laktaw" just about the time they raised the Philippine flag towards the end. That was really embarrassing because I could imagine a fourth of the people in the theater staring right at me while I control my sobs. That being said, I just might have found a place away from home.

It's been a bunch of mixed emotions lately. I wish I could explain it better. Let's just say that there are certain unfortunate events that have transpired. But the good things far outweigh the bad. And if you know the bad, you would say I'm stupid for saying these things. But just trust me on this one.

Now I'll go and watch a sappy romantic movie. That would make me feel better. Of course I'd probably fall asleep halfway into it. Time check: 2:49AM. Still, I'm in the mood for a chick flick now. Sue me.