Loving and Letting Go

"There is not enough room in this world for my pain." --Ghost, Indigo Girls

I am now ready to break my silence. I suppose this is what everyone's waiting for anyway. So finally, here it is. A declaration of sorts. A confirmation. Yes, we have broken up.

I could give a variety of reasons. It does not even matter which are true and which I just imagined. One's reality is but one's illusions anyway. A sum of all she believes to be true, real or not.

I have kept quiet for a number of reasons too. One of which is that I'm not sure how to talk about it. Blame it on the writer's curse. I always feel that I have to thoroughly process my thoughts before I can release them to the universe. So release them, I will.

LB and I had been together for what seems like a lifetime. A lifetime that proved to be too short. Now all the songs about not knowing how life was before him take on a different meaning. I do not remember how it was not to have him holding my hand, keeping me close. I do not remember how it was not to have someone to laugh with at the silliest of things. I do not remember how it felt like to not love.

Today, my ten-year-old student asked me what caused the break up. Didn't he want me to leave the country? Was he bad to me? I had to smile inspite of myself. I wish it were that simple. It would have been so much easier to let go of someone who treats you badly. I still think of him as one of the best people in my life. That does not, and will not, change just because we are no longer together. No regrets. No bitterness. On hindsight, I would still have done all that I did, would still gladly go through all this, for those three wonderful years with him. How can one explain to a child that sometimes, one just has to move on?

I am moving on. This, in effect, is a cleansing ritual. I have had too many heartaches in life to know that this will not kill me. It can get unbearably lonely at times. But even that is welcome. I have known sadness. I have known pain. They can be sweet.