I've been gloomy for the past days. Partly because I'm still uncertain about my job prospects, partly because I'm not getting anywhere with my novel, and partly because of the chat I had with LB a few days ago wherein he showed me the friendster profile of the girl a friend is setting up with him. All of these do not exactly help with my insecurity level at the moment.
Job Prospects. A part of me is thinking that it shouldn't be that hard to find a job, even in Beijing. I could compete with the best of them. I know I'm good enough. Still a part of me gets frustrated at the thought that I should even worry about this just because I don't look the part that I'm supposed to be playing here.
My Novel. One of the primary reasons for coming to China is to write. I feel terrible that I'm not even halfway, quarterway, through. Ten months and I only have scribbles to show for it. There are times when I worry that I've run out of angst and run out of passion. Maybe I've used up all of my soul's stories. I comfort myself that even great writers had had their own bouts of insecurity and periods of drought. My best works were always written after a long time of not writing, but of living. I'm hoping it'll also be the case this time.
LB. I know it will happen sooner of later. He'd meet someone, find her interesting, want to get to know her more, maybe look at her the same way he used to look at me, fall in love. It hasn't happened yet but it will. As my computer was opening the page of the friendster profile of this girl he was telling me about, I was hoping she'd be the usual pretty and hollow-brained sort that populate the world. She wasn't. She was pretty alright. And so much more, it seemed. Then I'd think of dozens of reasons why I'm not good enough, most of which were probably made up so I could torture myself more. Maybe I should just be happy that he has good taste in women.
Maybe it's just PMS. A more cheerful entry next time.
i don't believe that nuni. you're a great writer and we all know it. and you know me well enough to know that i wouldn't say that just to make you feel better even if i don't mean it.
ReplyDeleteyou will too you know. we both will. and if we're lucky, the fortunate guys will love us the way we deserve to be loved. and if we're not, well, we can live out our dream of living next to each other and doing everything together for the rest of our lives, hehe.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nuna. Now I wanna start crying again. *sniff sniff.
ReplyDeleteJob Prospects: Slow down. Welcome on board of the ship of confused people about career! Dont worry, IT WILL PASS. Divide your confusion in between all people like us, you will feel GREAT!
ReplyDeleteMy Novel: I am waiting for it.......... may be pultizer and nobel waiting for it too.
LB: No comments as I do not have any clue on this matter. Muuum!!!
Bottom line: When going gets tough, that means bright days are just round the corner, just hold on little longer. It works, trust me if you can.
Job Prospects: I don't know if it would really fit what you are looking for... But have a friend and his wife who have been living and working in Beijing for the past couple of years. He's a teacher. If you are interested, I could give you his contact information. Just an idea.
ReplyDeleteAs to the rest.... Best of luck!
Thanks, people!
ReplyDeleteSachya, yeah it will pass. It always does. I think I just needed to release it somehow. Perhaps it will make the passing so much faster?
Carolyn, I still don't know which part of Beijing I'd end up in. And I'm a little shy about calling people out of the blue to ask for favors. I'll check out the job scene first when I get there then I'd get back to you on that contact info. Thanks!