On My Lack of a Lovelife

About a week ago, I overheard my sister Nuna telling our friends that she wished I would finally get myself a boyfriend, the reason being it had been a long time since I last had one. She would probably only know that I heard her when she reads this... which is right about... now. There. Hmp, talking about me behind my back. :p

And then last Saturday, after a hearty meal in Tapa King and while waiting for the halo-halo, she said that maybe I should go out more so I could meet more boylets. I had to ask again to clarify that she meant "me," as in, "I" have to go out more? Yes, of course. For a while I thought we were gossiping about someone. So where do I go about finding this boylet who has the ability to magically change my life? "Why don't you join one of those dating events?" "Speed dating?" "Yes!"

Now, I am a very lazy person. In addition to that, I am also very stingy. I refuse to join speed dating events (even as I had helped organize one before) because I would much rather buy myself something nice instead of paying for an overpriced dinner. Not that I don't believe in speed dating. I just cannot bring myself to cough up the money required to attend one.

And I do admit to having very high standards. Well-meaning friends would ask, "So what's your type?" hoping to set me up with their single guy friends. Without batting an eyelash, I would retort, "Why, nothing short of perfection." "No, really, what's your type?" as if I was joking. "Really, he has to be perfect." "But nobody's perfect," would come the reply, four out of five times, I swear. But you asked for my type and that's my type!

Of course "perfect" is relative. It's just that I don't want to have to enumerate all of these traits that everyone wants anyway. Really, would you rather that I rattle off smart (oops, not just smart... more like brilliant), sweet, charming, sensitive, responsible, sincere, affectionate, funny, articulate, successful, ambitious, kind, loving, cute, and open-minded? In random order, of course. I mean, would you? And doesn't it already follow that any woman would want a man who's all of those and then some?

And then people would ask why I don't have a boyfriend. Because there's a dearth of brilliant, sweet, charming, sensitive, responsible, sincere, affectionate, funny, articulate, successful, ambitious, kind, loving, cute, and open-minded men that's why! (In the remote chance that you are all of these, AND a man--a straight man, that is, and single--that's important too!; please come forward.)

Not that I haven't seriously wondered enough about my lack of a lovelife. In fact, I've wondered so much that I have gotten so sick and tired of wondering about it. Now I just spend the time reading about Mao Tse Tung's lovelife (the asshole, cheating on his wife!) because really, what else is there left to do?

Oh. And in another remote chance that you actually know of a living, breathing single straight man who is all of the adjectives above but who for some reason might not be able to read this, do me and my sister a favor and forward this to him. Thanks!