Anne Carson's Short Talks

Because there are tons and tons to read on the Internet, I usually find it hard to pry myself off its clutches whenever access is free. And although it is completely acceptable in this age to get most if not all of one’s reading materials online, there is also a part of me that feels guilty for the volumes and volumes of books that I have promised myself I would find the time to read, but keep putting off. So I do it one little step at a time.

This weekend, I intentionally left my laptop in the Makati apartment when I went home to Valenzuela so I wouldn’t be tempted to go online. I admit to allowing myself to check my mails a couple of times though through my phone but that was it.

So my reading list for the weekend included a compilation of old American essays (actually titled The Best American Essays 1992), wherein the first was by Anne Carson (who is actually Canadian but well, they probably meant “American” in the broadest sense. In fact when you think about it, who gave the US citizens monopoly of that word?).

Here are some quotes from her Short Talks (my O friends would love this one):

Short Talk on Walking Backwards

My mother  forbade us to walk backwards. That is how the dead walk, she would say. Where did she get this idea? Perhaps from a bad translation. The dead after all, do not walk backwards but they do walk behind us. They have no lungs and cannot call out but would love for us to turn around. They are victims of love, many of them.

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A Taste of Heaven

Last night I had the most pleasant dream.

My Amah and I were on our way home. We were both sitting on the passenger seat of the car, presumably it was also very cramped at the back. I had my left arm around her, and she was holding both my hands. I kept on kissing her and pulling her close to me, lightly because she was so tiny. I was afraid to hurt her. I was thinking that I was always wishing to have just ten minutes with her, and it had finally happened. I also thought I was so lucky that she got well and we could spend time together again. In real life, she died when I was ten. In my dream, she got sick but had finally recovered. She looked so good. She was always smiling at me and I was so happy to have her back again.

We were planning to get off somewhere. It was not clear where exactly. She turned around to talk to someone at the back and when she faced the front, we had already missed our stop. We could always go next week, we said. There was something that made me feel that next week would be too late. But we didn't care, we said we'd go next week.

Cut to the next scene. We were in a mall. We were hand in hand as we were so many times before. Grandmother and child, except the child is a full head taller now. I asked her if she wanted to have dinner. She said she wanted/had to go home early. I'm not sure now which word she used. I said okay. I saw a stall very similar to Supermelt. It had the logo of Supermelt but the name started with an E. Can anybody tell me if there's an Ensaymadamelt or Empanadamelt? I was trying to read the sign but somehow I couldn't make out the whole word. Anyway, I asked her if she wanted ensaymada or empanada, whichever it was. We could buy them and just take them home. She said she didn't have money. I told her not to worry, I'd buy her some.

For some weird reason, I did not have my bag with me. I had to go to another part of the mall, not a baggage counter although somewhat similar. There were quite a lot of bags lined up. I told her she should look around and find what else she wanted so we could buy them when I come back. 

When I returned, Akoh, Auntie Rita, Aling Miding and someone else I seemed to know but could not quite put my finger on were there. I could only make out that the person was tall. We were both very surprised to see them. I was rummaging in my bag, looking for my wallet while asking Amah what kind of ensaymada/empanada she wanted. I think I told her we should just get special one. Can somebody tell me how much Supermelt costs? Because in my dream, the price ranges from P15 to P17 each. I don't know if that's realistic. I turned around to ask Akoh if they would also want some. Then I woke up.

I woke up feeling so peaceful. I do believe she visited me that night. Before I went to sleep, I was feeling particularly sad and unloved. I think that was her way of comforting me. She is watching over me after all. When she said she wanted or had to go home early, I assumed we were going home together. Now I realize she was telling me that she didn't have that much time to be with me. She had to go even before I was able to buy her the food to take to where her home is now. I suddenly just woke up although there was no noise nor movement that would have caused me to. But it was enough. It was perfect. We were so happy the whole time. It was like heaven. Maybe next week we could go have a trip again. We did say we'd go next week.