This is my first winter. That's enough explanation why I have so many pictures of snow.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Finally, snow!
This is my first winter. That's enough explanation why I have so many pictures of snow.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Loving and Letting Go
"There is not enough room in this world for my pain." --Ghost, Indigo Girls
I am now ready to break my silence. I suppose this is what everyone's waiting for anyway. So finally, here it is. A declaration of sorts. A confirmation. Yes, we have broken up.
I could give a variety of reasons. It does not even matter which are true and which I just imagined. One's reality is but one's illusions anyway. A sum of all she believes to be true, real or not.
I have kept quiet for a number of reasons too. One of which is that I'm not sure how to talk about it. Blame it on the writer's curse. I always feel that I have to thoroughly process my thoughts before I can release them to the universe. So release them, I will.
LB and I had been together for what seems like a lifetime. A lifetime that proved to be too short. Now all the songs about not knowing how life was before him take on a different meaning. I do not remember how it was not to have him holding my hand, keeping me close. I do not remember how it was not to have someone to laugh with at the silliest of things. I do not remember how it felt like to not love.
Today, my ten-year-old student asked me what caused the break up. Didn't he want me to leave the country? Was he bad to me? I had to smile inspite of myself. I wish it were that simple. It would have been so much easier to let go of someone who treats you badly. I still think of him as one of the best people in my life. That does not, and will not, change just because we are no longer together. No regrets. No bitterness. On hindsight, I would still have done all that I did, would still gladly go through all this, for those three wonderful years with him. How can one explain to a child that sometimes, one just has to move on?
I am moving on. This, in effect, is a cleansing ritual. I have had too many heartaches in life to know that this will not kill me. It can get unbearably lonely at times. But even that is welcome. I have known sadness. I have known pain. They can be sweet.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
Lunch with Ruth, Emily, Diana and Joanna
| Start: | Nov 21, '05 12:00p |
| End: | Nov 21, '05 11:30p |
| Location: | TieLing City |
Sunday, November 20, 2005
my birthday 2005
with the O kada. It was actually a New Year's Celebration of sorts but because it was on my birthday, I'd like to think of it as my birthday celebration. Hehe. Talk about being self-centered. For clearer prints, visit this site http://asia.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/delirium_cookie81/album?.dir=/48c2&.src=ph
Friday, November 18, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Monday, November 14, 2005
A Taste of Heaven
Last night I had the most pleasant dream.
My Amah and I were on our way home. We were both sitting on the passenger seat of the car, presumably it was also very cramped at the back. I had my left arm around her, and she was holding both my hands. I kept on kissing her and pulling her close to me, lightly because she was so tiny. I was afraid to hurt her. I was thinking that I was always wishing to have just ten minutes with her, and it had finally happened. I also thought I was so lucky that she got well and we could spend time together again. In real life, she died when I was ten. In my dream, she got sick but had finally recovered. She looked so good. She was always smiling at me and I was so happy to have her back again.
We were planning to get off somewhere. It was not clear where exactly. She turned around to talk to someone at the back and when she faced the front, we had already missed our stop. We could always go next week, we said. There was something that made me feel that next week would be too late. But we didn't care, we said we'd go next week.
Cut to the next scene. We were in a mall. We were hand in hand as we were so many times before. Grandmother and child, except the child is a full head taller now. I asked her if she wanted to have dinner. She said she wanted/had to go home early. I'm not sure now which word she used. I said okay. I saw a stall very similar to Supermelt. It had the logo of Supermelt but the name started with an E. Can anybody tell me if there's an Ensaymadamelt or Empanadamelt? I was trying to read the sign but somehow I couldn't make out the whole word. Anyway, I asked her if she wanted ensaymada or empanada, whichever it was. We could buy them and just take them home. She said she didn't have money. I told her not to worry, I'd buy her some.
For some weird reason, I did not have my bag with me. I had to go to another part of the mall, not a baggage counter although somewhat similar. There were quite a lot of bags lined up. I told her she should look around and find what else she wanted so we could buy them when I come back.
When I returned, Akoh, Auntie Rita, Aling Miding and someone else I seemed to know but could not quite put my finger on were there. I could only make out that the person was tall. We were both very surprised to see them. I was rummaging in my bag, looking for my wallet while asking Amah what kind of ensaymada/empanada she wanted. I think I told her we should just get special one. Can somebody tell me how much Supermelt costs? Because in my dream, the price ranges from P15 to P17 each. I don't know if that's realistic. I turned around to ask Akoh if they would also want some. Then I woke up.
I woke up feeling so peaceful. I do believe she visited me that night. Before I went to sleep, I was feeling particularly sad and unloved. I think that was her way of comforting me. She is watching over me after all. When she said she wanted or had to go home early, I assumed we were going home together. Now I realize she was telling me that she didn't have that much time to be with me. She had to go even before I was able to buy her the food to take to where her home is now. I suddenly just woke up although there was no noise nor movement that would have caused me to. But it was enough. It was perfect. We were so happy the whole time. It was like heaven. Maybe next week we could go have a trip again. We did say we'd go next week.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Dinner with Dale and mom, Linda and mom, Daisy
| Start: | Nov 13, '05 4:45p |
| End: | Nov 13, '05 6:00p |
| Location: | TieLing City |
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Friday, November 11, 2005
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Wednesday, November 9, 2005
Tuesday, November 8, 2005
Who's dead?!
This is way too much.
Today, I found out that Raul Roco is dead. He died in August. Yesterday, I stumbled on a website that informed me that Katie Holmes is pregnant. They (Holmes and Cruise) gave the official announcement last month. The other day, I learned that Haydee Yorac, too, (not pregnant) but has passed away more than a month ago. What?! Where was I when all these were happening? Oh right, in China. But still! It's not as if I'm on the other side of the earth.
Where was I? More like in a black hole. How come people failed to mention these things to me? Yeah, yeah, I've heard about the e-vat, the price of gasoline, those beasts who call themselves American GIs. But then again, these are old news. I've heard this a hundred times in my lifetime. The names change, the number, the faces. Can anybody actually count how many American GIs have been charged of rape and how many of them have been tried on Philippine soil? If tried at all? Which is not to say that I'm making light of it just because it has happened so many times. That's why I want people to prove me wrong this time. Go on. Do I have to beg? Ok, please please, prove me wrong just this one time.
But come on. Raul Roco? Nobody even thought it important enough to tell me that he's dead? I loved that guy. I voted for him and I would have voted for him again any day. If memory serves me right, he was one of those who opposed the Visiting Forces Agreement. And being an honorary woman, those assholes wouldn't even stand a chance. But he's dead! And Haydee Yorac too!
Now who do we have left? Oh, there's GMA desperately clinging on to power. I am eagerly anticipating how the GMA administration would handle this rape case. I won't be surprised if she calls up Bush to apologize. "So sorry George, it was her fault. She shouldn't have gone to Subic in the first place. Oh I just love kissing your ass." God, I would have been so proud to have a woman president. Shit.
God, am I not bitter today? Let's just say that I'm not in a particularly sunny mood today for reasons that I will not disclose just yet. Sorry to take it out on everyone. Call it stress. Call it a breakdown. Call it whatever you like. If I were to give it a name, I'd just call it High Mountain.
Going back to what I was originally talking about, this now leads me to Katie Holmes. Ok, I don't really care that much if she's pregnant or what but I was very surprised to hear that she is. Pregnant, I mean. I must admit I was one of those who raised an eyebrow when I first heard about this Holmes-Cruise romance. Well, good for them.
Does that mean I don't stand a chance with Tom Cruise anymore? Haha! First joke of the day. I know it's not that funny. Reward me for the effort though. That took quite a lot. Sigh, I don't even have a kid yet and at the rate my country's deteriorating, by the time I do I might not even have a country to call my own.
I know I know! I should run for president. Quick! Start raising funds. Now! I don't know, rob a bank or something. Haha! Ok, so my sense of humor is not that good. At least I'm not the president.
**They should also make a tape out of that phone call. It will be called the "Hello George" tape. Admit it, that one's funny.
Thursday, November 3, 2005
Wednesday, November 2, 2005
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