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As if I don't have enough things to worry about with the test coming up and all, I was told yesterday that I need to move out of my house by Tuesday next week. I might have mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I'm living in the headmaster's house, while he lives with his parents. This house is the house that he'll live in when he starts his own family. It seems that he has found himself a girlfriend and might be starting that family pretty soon. I'll be moving to the northern part of the city. So, that means I need to get used to a whole new set of routes all over again. Not an easy task for me.

The other night while Wendy was helping me with my Chinese lessons, she got a call. She was talking in English so I knew it must be a foreigner. I thought it was one of her um, internet boyfriends. She told the person on the other end to talk with me because being a foreigner, I could understand better and I could get the address correctly. She gave me her phone while I mouthed, "Is it Paul?" She shook her head. I said "Hello?" "Hello." A female voice said nervously. I can't remember much of the conversation but one of her first questions was, "Pilipina ka ba?" I almost fell off my chair. I seldom hear Tagalog here and I was definitely not expecting to suddenly hear it from a stranger over the phone. After I'd recovered from my initial shock, we proceeded to talk in Tagalog. I got her YM ID, found out she's from Baguio and she said something about telling Wendy that she was sorry that she wasn't able to go online the night before. After the phone conversation, I said casually, "So Gao Shan wants to hire a Filipino now."

Wendy: You're so clever. Don't tell him I told you.

JC: Of course. I'd pretend I don't know anything. Have you seen her?

Wendy: No. But he saw her picture.

JC: Ooookay. She looks good. (Both a question and a statement.)

Wendy: Yes.

Then we started laughing hysterically. Back story: A little less than half a year of being here, Wendy revealed to me that at the time I applied, they were considering two other people. One was Pinoy and the other was a slightly older American woman. Guess why I was chosen. "She's beautiful. Let's hire her." I think I should be flattered. Okay, I am a little flattered. "I thought he was impressed by my credentials!" I complained to Wendy. "That too." "Yeah. Almost like an afterthought," I muttered. Apparently, he has this criteria in hiring teachers. I must say that he got really lucky with me though. What if I turned out to be really stupid? :p I guess that's a risk that he constantly has to take. There was a pretty teacher before who was hired because well, "she's very pretty," and they even dated for a while. Her English was... uh... let's just say that wasn't one of her best skills. But then again she was teaching English so there must be something wrong here... Let me see... Anyway, she herself knew that the reason why she was hired wasn't exactly because she could teach, or even speak the language that she was supposed to be teaching. She eventually got transferred to work at the headmaster's bookstore.

Moral of the story: Hire someone pretty. If she can't teach, date her.

Last night was date number three with Andy. First, we hung out in my place. I showed him my website, he showed me his. (I'm going to link it later.) He writes! Except of course it'll take me a longer time to read what he wrote. Note, longer time. Not impossible.

After that we played a little at the arcade in one of the department stores here. Then we went to JuBiYuan and he taught me how to skate. Freezing fun. It was pretty late so the park was deserted. That was good because I was/am definitely not graceful and I'd hate it for people to see me fall all over myself. I never really fell since he would always catch me before I even had a chance to.

At around 11pm, Rain called to say that they were in BeeHouse and wanted us to come over. He hadn't met Andy yet and he was quite curious about him. So we went and watched some girls pole-dancing. It turned out he also can't dance. Whew. The band had already finished playing and we were just in time to wave goodbye to Marvin and Joy, the two new Pinoy singers.

Backstory on Marvin and Joy: The first time I went to see them perform, that was weeks ago, somebody must have told them that there was a Pinoy in the audience because the minute they went onstage, Marvin looked straight at me and asked, "Are you a Filipino?" I didn't think anyone understood except me. "Pinoy ako!" was my reply. When it was his turn to sing, he got offstage and started walking to our table, all the while singing. I was thinking, oh no. Nononono. Reached our table, took my hand and led me to the stage. At this point I was thinking, ohmygodohmygodohmygod. He asked for the other mic and wanted me to sing with him. I can't even remember which Backstreet Boys song it was but no! I am not going to sing any Backstreet Boys, I don't care if it was for the Chinese audience. NO! So I said, "No, I can't I can't." So he started dancing with me onstage. I just wanted to die. I swear I looked like a stick swaying there. A bamboo swaying in the wind would be more graceful. After embarrassing myself with my fancy dance steps, I said, "I'm going back," pointing to our table. Rain teased me unmercifully but I got my sweet revenge when Marvin did the same thing to him after a few songs. Ha!

On other news, Lynn's back! One of my favorite assistants is back from her trip to Switzerland. She'll be helping me move. When I mentioned to Andy that I'll be moving on Tuesday, he said he'll come and help me. I tried telling him that a friend is already coming to help but I'm not sure now if I wasn't able to finish what I was saying or he misunderstood. Bottomline, he didn't know that Lynn will also be here. Which is just as well because Lynn wants to meet him so bad. Hahahaha! Actually, now that word has gotten around that I'm dating, everyone's really curious about him. Hmm...

And yeah, the test. Still trying to cram as many words as I can into my brain. Which reminds me, I have to turn the TV on.

I'm Crazy

I'm driving myself crazy. There are so many things to learn and I feel that I don't have enough time. And I don't know if my brain is capable of absorbing all these words. There are just too many! I am still on panic mode. Obviously.

I turned on the TV in the hopes that my ears will get more used to listening Chinese. I think the TV will be on most of the time from now until April 23. I don't think I talk to people often enough. I should make it a point to talk to as many people as I could every time I'm out of the house. I will talk strictly in Chinese to everyone except my students. I'll try to think in Chinese from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. Wait, I'm writing now so it's ok to think in English. But as soon as I finish this enty, I should switch on my Chinese mind.

I can't stop thinking of those Koreans in the HSK office. They've been studying for a year. As in studying in a classroom. With teachers. One whole year of nothing else but studying. And I only have less than a month. What was I thinking? Was I even thinking?

This is crazy. I'm crazy. Why am I voluntarily subjecting myself into this? Aaaaargh!

HSK Preparation

An Entry of One Who's Soon to be a Hermit

I'm dead. Or I will be soon. Very soon.

Remember HSK? Hanyu Shuiping Kaoshi? The Chinese proficiency test? I signed up for it yesterday. I went to Shenyang to register for the basic test. If I get a really good score in it, I'll be in Level 3, at most. That was the plan. Level 3. Basic test. I wasn't that ambitious. Level 3 was fine with me.

Yesterday. Shenyang. LiaoNing University. No basic tests.

What?! What do you mean no basic tests?! Please tell me you're joking.

No basic tests. Intermediate and Advanced. No basic.

But... but... but... Where can I take a basic test?

Beijing and Shanghai.

Ohgod. Why?

Nobody takes the basic test. It's too easy.

Near tears. But that's precisely why I want to take the basic test. Breathe in. Out. In. Out. Don't hyperventilate now. Calmly, in. Out.

Let me sit down and think this over for a minute.

Intermediate. Less than one month to study. Koreans everywhere in the room. They talk in Chinese. They look Chinese. They sound Chinese. They're going to take the same test. They'll pass. I'll fail. I'll die.

Ok, let's be realistic now. What would I lose if I take this test and fail? 250RMB. One day's salary. My face! How will I be able to show my face in public again?!

I signed up. I won't be able to leave the house ever again. I'll be a hermit. I'll read lots of books and I'll be able to finally finish my novel. Jiayou!

Words without Borders

http://www.wordswithoutborders.org
A friend sent me this site. My only complaint is there's nothing on Philippine lit. I feel unrepresented. Pffft!

First Date

After almost eight months of being in China, I finally went out on my first date. Yes. Despite the marriage proposals and the i-love-yous minutes after meeting me, this is the only time I got asked out on a date. Sort of. At around 8pm last night, my phone rang: (Due to insistent public demand, by public I mean more than one, I'm going to add the English translations where I deem necessary :p)

JC: Hello?

Andy: Hello. My name is Andy.

JC: Yes, I know.

Andy: Ni you shi jian ma? (Do you have time?)

JC: Umm... Ni xiang zuo shen me? (What do you want to do?)

Andy: (I can't remember the exact words but it has something to do with going out to play)

JC: Umm...

Andy: Ni zai nar? (Where are you?)

JC: Zai jia. (Home)

Andy: Wo zai ni lou xia. (I'm downstairs. Literally, "I'm in your downstairs.")

JC: (taking a moment to register what he just said) Ni zai wo lou xia...

Andy: Dui. (Right.)

JC: Ni zai wo lou... ohgod, you're downstairs!

Andy: (silence)

JC: (almost screaming in panic) You're downstairs! (Started putting on more clothes.)

Andy: (silence)

JC: Ni shi... ni shi... ohgod. Ni shi zai Chang Qing Yuan ma? (You are... you are... ohgod. You're in Chang Qing Yuan? Chang Qing Yuan is the name of my compound.)

Andy: (relieved to realize that I did understand what he said) Dui! Dui! Wo zai Chang Qing Yuan. (Right! Right! I'm in Chang Qing Yuan.)

JC: (rushed to the window and looked out. No one.)

Andy: (asked which building is mine. Again, I can't remember how to say that.)

JC: Um... um, mei shi. Wo xia lou zhao ni. (No problem. I'll go down and look for you. Grabbed my bag, checked for money, keys, phone. Saw my dictionary and grabbed that too. Something told me it was going to be useful that night.)

Andy: Mei shi. (No problem. And something that basically means stay just outside my building and he'll come and find me.)

JC: Um, ok ok.

So that was how it started. The date, I mean. Weeks before, Wendy texted to say that her students would like to invite me to dinner. I said, sure. She said, "...and there's a cool boy who want to make friend with you..." Hehe, ok. Wendy described him as "very cute. Cuter than the boy in the party... tall..." and that "He really wants to be your boyfriend," which elicited a "Hahahahaha!" from me. She said his plan was to first have a translator then little by little be able to communicate with me. More of the "hahahahahaha!" here. Unfortunately, during the night of the dinner, I was too dizzy to even eat anything much less go around meeting cool boys so I had to beg off. A couple of nights ago, the dinner finally pushed through.

First impression: He's not that cute. He's not that tall. Cool? Um, what exactly is the definition of cool?

Wendy whispered that "he said he's going to take you home tonight and that he's going to ask you out to dinner tomorrow." "Hahahahaha! Ok. Hahahahahahaha!"

Dinner was uneventful. Tide said that it was so much easier to talk to me now. Everyone was amazed that I could understand what was being said. They were even more amazed whenever I'd say something in Chinese.

In Chinese, Andy asked where I live. I said Chang Qing Yuan.

Betty, another student: Chang Qing Yuan, wo zhi dao. (Chang Qing Yuan, I know that place.)

Andy: Wo ye zhi dao. (Me too.)

JC: Ok.

Still in Chinese, Andy said, we were going in the same direction so we might as well go together later.

JC: Ok.

Betty: (looked suspiciously at him) Don't you live in the north?

Andy: No.

Betty: You always go to the north after class. You have two houses.

Andy: Yes. Tonight I live in the south.

I wonder if they knew I understood what they were saying.

And so we walked home together, not without a lot of teasing from the other students when we were leaving. I must say that the walk home was quite pleasant. He managed to keep a steady flow of conversation despite our language barrier. And he was patient in explaining Chinese words that I didn't understand. About halfway home, he took out a small piece of paper and said that those were things that he had to say to me. He asked Tide to write the sentences down for him. A cheat sheet, he said. While he was looking for it in his pocket, he told me not to laugh at him. He started reading. Among others, there were "I will call you," and "Do you have free time?" I think he became cuter during that walk home.

So last night, after he found me where I was standing in front of my building, he asked me to close my eyes. Except that I couldn't understand what he was saying so he pointed at his eyes and closed them. So finally I closed my eyes and pointed at them and asked, "Is this what you want me to do?" "Yes. Yes." He gave me a rose. Awww! Sweet!

He took me to a nice little coffeeshop cum internet cafe where you can also rent some board games and stuff. We played a tic-tac-toe-like game wherein you have to form a straight line with five stones. He won the first game, I won the next three, then he kept on winning, then it was pretty much even after that. I caught him letting me win once though so I started having doubts on my wins. Bastard. Cute bastard. We also played the soccer game with the little toy players where I definitely beat him, 3-1. Um, maybe he let me win again? Damn.

It was fun. I had a really great time. I got home at a little past 12 and I still have class beginning at 830am the next day. Aaaaargh! In my fourth class today, I was doing everything I could to keep awake. And I had one more class after that.

There most probably will be a second date. And I do hope the next time he doesn't just show up on my doorstep... Now I have to catch up on lost sleep.

My Goal

I have a goal. I have once again found a purpose in my life. Are you ready for this? I want to take up an MA in Chinese Language and Literature in a Chinese university.

I have been thinking about this for a long time but somehow things were always so abstract. It was only yesterday, after I woke up from my afternoon nap, that I came up with a real plan. Nothing earth-shattering, really. I was just thinking that I want to make the most of my stay here in China. I could formally study the Chinese language in a school but somehow I feel that I want more than that. I finally figured out that I want a... a... a degree!!! I'm a degree-addict! (Don't any of you remind me that I'm not yet finished with my MFA. Do you think I don't know that? Do you think that thought doesn't torment me night and day?)

I was very very happy with my realization. I felt that I had found meaning in my life. I worked out a plan. Go home in August, come back after a month or two, find a job in Beijing, enroll in an affordable university that offers the course for foreigners. Perfect!

So last night, I started researching about the course, the different universities in Beijing, tuition fees, admission requirements, etc. And then I started feeling disheartened... I had not yet done a thorough research though. So far, these are the universities that look promising:

1. Beijing Normal University costs 25300RMB/year for a graduate student. That does not include books, board and lodging, etc. I do not have that much money!

2. Beijing Language and Culture University's website does not have the tuition infos.

3. Beijing University of Technology's site confused me. Under the heading "tuition," it says US$3.5/day/person. That's the cheapest, there are others. It then proceeds to describe the living quarters. I'm hoping that it really means tuition but logic tells me that's not possible. 

Second discovery: I have to score at least a Level 6 in the Chinese Proficiency Test or HSK for HanYu ShuiPing KaoShi. Test? Level 6? Wait! I want a course that foreigners take so English would be the medium of instruction. I panicked. I was ready to abandon the purpose of my life. There was no way I could pass a Chinese Proficiency Test enough to take a Master's degree.

After I'd recovered from my initial shock, I did research about this freakin test. There are three kinds: basic, intermediate, advanced. The basic test is for people who have mastered 400-3000 basic Chinese characters. Whaaat?! Should I start counting now? Level 6 means I get a score high enough to reach the upper bracket in the intermediate test. I could feel my heart literally pounding in my chest while I was reading those. The basic test can get me as high as Level 3. It's composed of listening, grammar and reading. Everything in multiple choice. 135 minutes in all. That doesn't sound so bad.

I gave myself time to calm down yet again. I think that's attainable. Hopefully, I pass the basic test without breaking into a sweat. In the intermediate, it's composed of listening, grammar, reading and cloze test. Sounds manageable. Except my stupid computer cannot download the sample tests so I don't know what kind of questions will be asked. But little by little my confidence returned.

I next took an online chinese proficiency exam on transparent.com. Get this, I'm on Advanced Intermediate Level! 111 correct answers out of 150. 74% overall. Here's the breakdown:

1. Grammar 40/45 88%

2. Grammar 31/45 68%

3. Vocabulary 30/30 100% (Yipee! *cartwheels!)

4. Reading Comprehension 10/30 33%

Everything was in Romanized pinyin except for the last part of Reading Comprehension. Notice that I failed miserably in that part. Sigh. Still, if I was able to score an Advanced Intermediate Level without studying at all, then I must be able to score an Advanced Intermediate Level when I do study.

I've already found someone to go with me to Shenyang, the capital of my province, next Tuesday. There are absolutely no books here on Chinese learning for foreigners. I get my listening and spoken Chinese education from the streets and dinner conversations. My Chinese reading skills are practiced in KTV lounges. It's about time I start doing it the traditional way. And I'm very excited.

Sick Again

Once again, I am sick. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what's wrong with me. Monday night, I went out partying and only got home at 5am, and slept at 6. I wasn't supposed to have class that day and the next so I wasn't worried at all. Naturally, I was nauseaus (aaargh, I can't spell it!) the next day. I ignored it thinking that it was only because I lack sleep and I would just sleep the whole of that day and the next. That evening I had dinner with the other teachers as it was Women's Day the next day. Still dizzy (isn't that so much easier to spell?), I refused any alcoholic drink. Thankfully, the women did not try to pressure me into drinking. They asked me to take home the left-overs (because I'm the only one who lives alone and everyone knows my kitchen prowess is limited) which until now remains unopened on my kitchen floor.

The next day, Wednesday, one of the teachers was sick and I was asked if I could substitute. Thinking that I'd be fine by evening, I said yes. I wasn't fine by evening. The class was terrible. I wanted to throw all the kids out the window one by one. Again, I had already accepted a dinner invitation that night so despite feeling like I had to throw up every once in a while, I refused the urge to just lie down in bed and wander off to dreamland. Again, I refused a single drop of any alcoholic beverage. I would really have thrown up otherwise. Again, I was given the left-overs. And again, they're on my kitchen floor unopened.

When I woke up this morning, Thursday, I really did throw up. And I also had (still have) a bad case of diarrhea. I sent a message to Wendy telling her I didn't think I could go to my classes at the college. I got a message saying that the headmaster said that I had to go because the classes were already scheduled for the entire month. At that time, I didn't know if I felt more sick or disgusted. The headmaster came to my house that morning and offered to take me to the hospital before I head to my class. I refused since I'd already developed a hospital phobia by this time. So I went to my classes, weak and dazed. I told my students how I was feeling and allowed them to do anything they wanted as long as it had something to do with English. Therefore they could read, write, or even listen to English songs, etc. They could, of course, ask me questions if they had any. For lunch, I ate less than half of the serving which was very unlike me. And I had to go to the bathroom several times.

After my classes at the college, I sent Wendy a message that I was still not feeling well and that I couldn't have dinner with her and her students as what was previously planned about a week ago. I still feel bad about this since they'd already booked the restaurant and all. Anyway, I also asked her to have the headmaster cancel my evening class at the north branch of the school. Having done that, I went to sleep. The headmaster came to my house again and insisted on taking me to the hospital. I finally relented after I made him promise that there would be no injections and no pain whatsoever.

The hospital visit was uneventful because of that. The doctor asked a few questions, took my blood pressure and my temperature. The headmaster bought my medicines then we had dinner before going back home. I only ate a maximum of three spoonfuls.

--Just came back from the bathroom to report that those three spoonfuls aren't in my body anymore. They never even had the chance to be digested.--

I don't think the doctor could deduce much from my blood pressure and temperature so I leave it to myself to figure out what's really wrong.

1. Extremely anemic. I remember feeling a milder version of this back in grad school when I wasn't getting enough sleep. Nauseated (spelling check!!!) for about a week. It eventually went away when I started taking iron supplements. I must admit that I haven't been religiously taking my vitamins because, I know this will sound ridiculous but, I wanted to make them last longer. I haven't tried buying vitamins in China yet. I know I know, I'll take them everyday from now on.

2. Food poisoning. Throwing up? Diarrhea? Sounds exactly like getting food poisoned. But then again, why was I the only one with the symptoms?

3. Dyspepsia. Otherwise known as indigestion. I checked a website and I seem to have all the symptoms except for the stomach pains. I only have stomach pains while throwing up. Oh wait, I think I might be having stomach pains now... although that just might be the power of suggestion. Anyway, I burp a lot, feel bloated although I haven't been eating much, feel nauseaus, vomit. It says that one might have diarrhea due to some medicines. I had diarrhea even before I started taking medication.

4. And because there's a bit of blood in my vomit, my paranoid mind is afraid that I might have contracted tuberculosis. It is very much possible, when you think about it. How did SARS spread so rapidly in China?

Oh god. You know what I miss right now? Sky Flakes. I can't seem to eat anything without throwing it up. The mere thought of food makes me want to throw up. But Sky Flakes, Sky Flakes assure your stomach that it won't be empty. They're light enough to fool your brain and stomach into thinking that you're not eating anything, but filling enough not to aggravate the acid that I imagine is now forming and swirling around because of the lack of real food in my stomach.

Here are my resolutions if I survive this ordeal:

1. I will impose a curfew on myself. 2am. That's it.

2. Vitamins vitamins vitamins galore!

3. Chew my food very very carefully.

4. Start carrying my hand sanitizer. It was popular in the Philippines, I'm going to make it popular in China too.

I would try and get some sleep now. Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow I can report that I'm feeling so much better.

Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that Women's Day is a big thing in China. Back home, we'd probably just send a couple of emails or text messages and forget all about it. In China, people actually celebrate it. Last night, I had dinner with the other teachers at WaiYan, all women, generously funded (surprisingly) by the headmaster. To the joy of everyone, the headmaster couldn't join us because he had a cold. We were, of course, thankful for the free food. Today, I saw random women carrying gifts and flowers.

A couple of nights ago, Rain, Jaden (the guy we were teasing as gay. He has a name now. We christened him that night.) and I went to TianXing (the disco) after going to a KTV bar with other friends. (Oh, that night I found out that there's a Cantonese version of Air Supply's "All Out of Love"!) The three of us felt that it was still too early to go home. So they were dancing while I was, hehe, sipping my Coke and watching people. Later, they would tell me what happened on the dancefloor. There were three Japanese women, one of which was dancing with Rain. She could only speak Japanese and very very little English. In fact the only English that she could say were, "Come on, baby" and um, ahh, "Sex." Despite the language barrier, I think she was quite successful in communicating perfectly what she wanted. As some of you know, Rain is not exactly the kind of person who can easily pass up oppportunities like this. Surprisingly, he did pass it up. Later he would tell me that he had what he thought as his first ever taste of racism. Remember that the Chinese hate the Japanese with a passion. Rain actually thinks of himself now as more Chinese than Canadian.

This reminded me of a class that I had during the winter break. The class were composed of college students home for the holiday, and one girl who spent six months in Canada to learn English. I'm not sure now how the discussion led to the Japanese. I was actually almost always careful not to stir up the controversial topic even in casual conversations. Since we already were talking about it and I was quite curious too, I asked them how they feel about the Japanese. They were hesitant about saying anything at first. I started calling on individuals. "Max, do you hate the Japanese?" "No." This was immediately followed by a punch (playfully, though) from the girl to his right. "Well, he doesn't." I said, defending him. The following will be paraphrased since I cannot remember exactly who said what, and how they were said.

Student: We don't like them.

JC: Okaaay...

Student from Canada: Even when we hang out together in Canada, we just pretend to like each other but I can feel... (voice trailed off, shrugged)

JC: Do you all feel the same way?

Students: (embarrassed smiles)

Student from Canada: And they're so... so.... When we eat together, they would eat even the last piece. The Chinese will always offer that to the guest.

That one made me smile a little. JC: Maybe that's just part of their culture. They probably don't do it the same way as the Chinese. It doesn't really mean that they were being impolite or disrespectful. They just have a different way of doing things.

Student: (shrugged) Maybe.

Student: We try not to buy Japanese products. We'd rather buy Western things.

Max: I like playing their video games.

Student: But as much as possible we don't buy Japanese-made things.

JC: I can understand how you feel. Really. The Japanese did a lot of bad things in my country too. Killed people, raped women...

Students: (nodded enthusiastically)

JC: But the Filipinos have a very short memory. We don't really hate them the way you Chinese do.

Student: They're not even admitting what they did. They believe they did nothing wrong.

JC: But you see, a lot of them don't really know. Their history textbooks don't really say what their ancestors did during the war...

Student: Yes.

JC: Your government never made you forget, unlike ours, unlike theirs.

Then I told them about the comfort women in the Philippines. The comfort women were basically sex slaves during the Japanese occupation. It was only in the early nineties when one of the comfort women first spoke up and told the nation of the atrocities that she had to suffer. Since then, more and more lolas came forward and told their stories. Before coming out with their stories, not even their husbands and children knew what they went through. Most of them are in their 70s and 80s now. Many have already died without even getting the justice they deserve.

The very first time I witnessed an actual account by a lola was in a forum on Balikatan 2000 in DLSU. I was active in Gabriela at the time and I was tasked to deliver a speech to urge students to take an active role in keeping the American soldiers out of Philippine soil. For the life of me, I cannot remember what I said. What I do remember was the lola's story of what war was all about. She told us how babies were thrown up in the air only to be caught by bayonets, how she was raped by Japanese soldiers in front of her parents, how her parents in turn were tortured and killed, how she and her sister were taken away separately never to see each other again. All the while, tears were streaming down her face as she recalled all that happened to her during the war.

A few years ago, the Conference for International Women Playwrights was held in Manila. I served in the documentation team but wasn't there when the lolas from Lila-Pilipinas, a group that the lolas formed, came to talk about their experiences. My friend told me how the women from all over the world wept together as they listened. After the lolas had finished, the Japanese delegation went up to them, knelt down, and asked for forgiveness. Up until that day, those Japanese women might not have known that their country had anything to be sorry about. A war that happened sixty years ago could be written in so many ways. Those women at the conference, as with most Japanese people, had nothing to do with the war, and yet when they found out how their country caused so much pain and suffering to innocent people, they were willing to kneel down and ask for forgiveness for things that they had no control over. How is it possible for one to hate them?

I told this story to my students in the shortest and simplest way I could. In the end I think we all agreed to blame the Japanese government for whitewashing history, and not the Japanese people as a whole. Or maybe they just wanted me to shut up.

So this is how I celebrate Women's Day. No flowers nor gifts for me though. For more information on the comfort women, click here.

Staying for a While...

I've been trying to fight the Lazy Monster that's been eating on my energy these days. For the past week, I've been planning to go to the gym but the Monster keeps on winning. Very powerful, that Monster.

I think I owe it to everyone reading this blog to tell you what has been happening here. Ok, I've changed my mind yet again. I'm staying. Five more months won't be that long. I had a long talk with the headmaster last Sunday and he has assured me that he won't change the computation of my salary. Basically, he was blaming Rain for my sudden rebellious streak. I think in his eyes, I look too sweet to be able to rebel on my own. I should probably be insulted but I don't really care what he thinks so whatever. There's no love lost between Rain and the headmaster so Rain just laughed it off when I told him about it.

The other night, my JieJie invited Rain and me to dinner at her restaurant. It was the most boring dinner I'd ever attended although the fact that I was very tired that night might also be a factor. Rain came with his girlfriend Ivy, and a few minutes later, Sunrise came. There were also a bunch of other people, important people, I was told. One of which is the Vice Mayor of the city. Ivy and Sunrise, knowing full well the gravity of these people's positions in government, were very intimidated. Rain was pissed at how obnoxious the people were. I was too sleepy to even follow any of the conversations so I didn't have an opinion whatsoever. Unless the question was directed at me, I tuned everyone out.

After that dinner, the four of us went to a barbecue place and had a second dinner. I was feeling down, for some reason that I myself didn't know. Ivy, drunk with the combination of pijiu and baijiu, was telling me that I should not leave TieLing. Actually, she was shouting at me, "You cannot change another city! You cannot change another city! Change another school is ok but you cannot change another city!" I was just watching her from across the table, a little amused, a little weirded out. I'm not sure how long she kept at it before I finally said something which was probably, "I'm not leaving," or something like that. She said, "Swear! Swear to god! Swear to god you're not leaving." Because I did not want to swear to anything, I was thinking of making a joke about the Chinese not having a god. Before I could say anything, she looked at Rain and wailed, "She doesn't want to swear!" which made me raise my right hand instantly. That calmed her down for a while. A few minutes later, she was at it again. "You cannot change another city! I will kill you if you change another city!" I have had people telling me that they'll be very sad if I leave but so far, this was really extreme. Rain tried to explain to her that sometimes foreigners don't think the same way and that we also have to think of ourselves, then she started screaming at me, "You're so selfish! You cannot change another city! You only think of yourself! You cannot leave!" Let me stress that I was very tired, a little drunk, and a little confused about a lot of things that are simultaneously going on in my life. I don't usually cry in public, if I can help it. But at that point, I felt like crying so I said, very calmly, "I think I wanna cry," and bowed my head.

I heard Rain say, "Look what you did." Then I heard sobs. Then I heard Rain again, "Shit, now Joni, look what you did to her." I heard Sunrise saying things like, "It's ok. We understand. I love Joni, Rain loves Joni. We all love her and we don't want her to go." Then Rain again, addressing me I think, "I haven't seen her cry for anyone other than me. Maybe I should be jealous." I would have laughed but I was probably too tired. Anyway, I had to stop crying. It was much too insane even for me. She was sobbing uncontrollably all the while wailing that I should stay in TieLing. I went to her side of the table and hugged her and tried to reassure her that I was staying. She was holding me as if I was about to go that very minute and by squeezing the life out of me she could make me stay. She said that if I go, she wouldn't have anyone to talk to about "the famous people in China."

Back story: The night before, Rain and Ivy were hanging out in my house. Ivy was giving a lecture on the famous celebrities in China. Almost everyone was a king of something, "the dance king," "the comedy king," etc, or the "number 1 most beautiful woman in China (who, for your information, is Cecilia. She worships Cecilia)." Or sometimes, it would go "She used to be famous but now..." Or "She wasn't famous before but she became famous because of so and so, now not so famous again..." It had gotten to a point that every time she would use the words "famous," "king," and "number 1" Rain and I would look at each other and laugh so hard. Sometimes we wouldn't even have time to look at each other, because once Ivy had realized she had said any of those words, we'd all stop whatever we were doing and start laughing like crazy.

Anyway, when finally Rain managed to make her let go of me, I stumbled to the bathroom as I felt my dinner wanting to exit from my mouth. When I reached the bathroom, my dinner must have changed its mind and stubbornly refused to leave my system. That was fine, I continued my own weeping in the bathroom until Rain knocked on the door and demanded that I open the door. We stayed there for a few minutes, crouched in a cramped little space that smelled of things that you've probably never smelled in your lives (you should be grateful). When finally I felt that I'd run out of tears, we went out, I washed my face and thankfully, all was well at the table.

I wasn't sure when Bill arrived but he was there when we came back. Then later, Frank and ShanShan came, then Sunrise's friend (I didn't get his name). It was great that this guy came because he was so funny and that was exactly what we needed that night. One time, he said "fuck you" to Sunrise and somebody quipped, "Fuck him? You're gay!" From that time on, whenever he said something remotely involving another man, we would tease him as being gay, to which he would protest vehemently: "I (pointing to himself) no gay! (waving his hands) Gay, A-I-D-S (spelling it out, then slits his throat with his forefingers) game over." We almost died laughing. In the taxi while on our way to The Bee House, where there were Pinoy performers, he said that he "love Canadian boy" which erupted to chants of "gay gay gay gay gay!" from Ivy and myself. That was just his way of saying that he likes Rain but we couldn't help teasing him if only to see him do the "A-I-D-S, game over" act.

When we reached The Bee House, we found out that Bernadette and Ray had left. We were told that new Pinoy performers would be coming the next night though. They did tell me that they were leaving at the end of the month but that was the 28th so we were hoping that they'd still be there. Rain took it more badly than I. When planning what to do next, he complained that we went there because of the Pinoys "dan shi mei you Fei Lu Bin ren." To lighten the mood, I raised my hand and said, "Hai you yi ge!"

With that we headed to Tian Xing Hotel. Because I don't dance, I was left to watch everyone's things at the table while watching a bunch of Chinese people shaking their heads on the dancefloor. I didn't mind, I'd really rather watch people looking retarded than making myself look retarded so it was ok. Finally, we called it a night (I was ready to call it a night three hours ago. Then again it was fun in a weird way.) and went home to a bunch of YM messages from Nuna asking why I wasn't home yet. The next day, I stayed in bed until around 2 in the afternoon. Since then, I have not been out again (nor seen/heard from the others) save from going to my classes and the supermarket to buy groceries.

Oh, and I finally got to see "The Pillow Book." One word: intense.